Change is hard. Relationships are hard. When you put the two together, conflict often arises. With incarceration being such a big change in a person’s life, the stress can put a strain on relationships with friends and family. Research has shown that staying in contact with an incarcerated loved one has many benefits affecting behavior and mental health. It is important to try and keep your bond strong. Follow these tips to resolve conflict with your incarcerated loved one, and to relieve stress during your time spent apart. 

Communication and Understanding 

Compassion: Put yourself in each other’s shoes.

A common exercise in resolving conflicts of any kind is to put yourself in the other’s shoes. Although incarceration is a different type of situation than most, it is important to recognize that both parties are going through a lot of stress in different ways. The person behind bars is having to adjust to a whole new environment with many freedoms taken away. The person on the outside has to deal with the absence of their loved one and how that affects them financially, mentally and emotionally. Understanding how the other person feels can help you on the road to conflict resolution. 

Consideration: Is the topic worth arguing over?

Incarceration causes a major shift in the course of your lives, and can put things in perspective. Some issues you used to argue over may not matter anymore, and you can prioritize what to talk about in your limited communication time. On the other hand, some issues may be out of your incarcerated loved one’s control. It is best to take a step back, take a deep breath, and consider whether or not the problem can be resolved right now. 

Compromise: Try to resolve the problem, not win.

As you are both going through a difficult period, there is no point in trying to “win” an argument. Instead, aim to resolve the issue at hand. Brainstorming positive solutions and communicating them calmly with one another can help you to reach a compromise that both parties are happy with. 

Utilize Resources Available

Books

There are many books and other publications available that are specifically written for the friends and family of incarcerated individuals. Reading tips from experts and stories from others in similar situations can help you figure out the best way to handle your situation. A list of relevant books can be found here. 

Mental Healthcare

Although the incarcerated person’s mental health is a high priority, it is very important to make sure that you are taking care of your own mental health, too. If you have the resources available to you, talking to a counselor or therapist can help you work through any issues that arise. Other mental health tips include practicing meditation, exercising, journaling, and getting outdoors. 

Organizations for Families of Incarcerated Individuals

Many organizations, like the AFOI (Assisting Families of Inmates), were created to help the families of incarcerated individuals get through this difficult time. Using their services can help ease the stress of incarceration and work through the conflicts you might be having with your loved one. 

Continue to Stay In Contact

Even if you feel negative feelings of anger or resentment towards your incarcerated loved one, staying in contact with them can be beneficial to you both. It is best to contact them when you are not feeling upset, as arguments can easily arise when emotions are heightened. Phone calls and in-person visits can be a good time to try and resolve issues, as the conversations occur in real time. However, sending letters or photos through Pelipost is a great way to show your incarcerated loved one that you care, even when tensions are high. 

Ready to send pictures? You can download the Pelipost app through the Apple App Store or Google Play Store.

When a loved one is incarcerated, it is important to stay in touch with them to keep your relationship alive and boost their mental well-being. A great way to foster your connection and bring a smile to their face is to visit them in person. A face-to-face interaction will help your incarcerated loved one be reminded that they are not alone, and help keep your bond alive. However, visiting an incarcerated person is not a simple, spur-of-the-moment, as often as you want type of thing. There are many procedures and protocols you must follow to be able to have a stress free visit. If it’s your first time visiting someone in jail, follow these do’s and don’ts before you go. 

DO: Check the specific facility’s rules

Before making any plans to visit your incarcerated loved one, you must check the rules and regulations of the specific facility where they are being held. You can either check the facility’s website or give them a call if the information is not listed online. This first step is imperative before you move on to planning your visit.

DON’T: Show up unannounced 

Visiting a jail is not like going to the mall, taking a trip to the zoo, or going to grandma’s house—you cannot show up whenever you please. You must schedule a visit ahead of time with the specific facility you are visiting. Typically, there is an approval process each visitor must go through before they can schedule a visit. The facility will have limits on how often you can visit as well. 

DO: Adhere to the rules

The more you follow the rules, the smoother your visit will be. Things like arriving early, bringing the proper documentation, and supervising children are all very important. Doing so will ensure you are allowed to see your incarcerated loved one and that’s the ultimate goal right?

DON’T: Break the dress code

Most jails and prisons have a strict dress code for visitors coming in to see inmates. A general rule of thumb is to avoid tight fitting, see-through, and midriff-baring clothing. Avoid shorts and ripped jeans, and wear closed-toed shoes. You should wear undergarments and socks as well. It is also important to avoid any clothing that could be considered gang related. Also make sure to avoid wearing the same color as the inmates. The color they wear and the specific visitor dress code can usually be found on the facility’s website.  

DO: Talk about the important things

With visits being limited in time and frequency, use this time to talk about the important things with your loved one. Try to avoid sensitive topics like release dates, and focus on what your inmate wants to discuss. Check out more tips on what to talk about with your incarcerated loved one here. 

DON’T: Bring them any items

To avoid the trading of contraband from guests, it is important to note that you cannot bring your incarcerated loved one any items when you visit. Most facilities will allow you to bring in cash for the vending machines, but will cap it around $20. However, outside gifts, clothing or food will not be allowed inside the facility. 

DO: Send them photos ahead of time through Pelipost

Although you cannot bring items to give your loved one during your visit, you CAN send them photos ahead of time through Pelipost. A physical photo is a cherished item your incarcerated loved one will be able to look back on in between visits. 

Ready to send pictures? You can download the Pelipost app through the Apple App Store or Google Play Store.

When spending time apart from a loved one, it is important to stay in contact to keep the relationship alive. Texting, phone conversations, and video chats are typically how long-distanced loved ones talk to one another. However, if incarceration is the reason you are apart, there are additional hurdles you must get over in order to communicate. Unfortunately, the options for keeping in contact are limited, and most are not free of charge. In today’s post, we highlight how you can talk to an inmate for free—and other affordable options, too. 

Visiting in Person

The only way to speak to an inmate completely free of charge is by visiting them in person at their facility. An in-person visitation is a great way to connect with your incarcerated loved one, because you can physically see one another and have a face-to-face conversation. Studies have shown that in-person visits from loved ones help an incarcerated individual experience fewer depressive episodes and may even reduce rule-breaking behavior. Becky Calderon, co-founder of Pelipost and formerly incarcerated, says that the visits from friends and family “remind you that you have a life, a purpose, and a meaning.” 

In-person visits are free of charge, however there are essential steps to take before your visit. Typically, facilities require you to be pre-approved, adhere to a strict dress code, and schedule your visit in advance. It is important to check the guidelines for the specific facility your loved one is at to make sure you follow all the rules and regulations. Once you have taken the necessary steps, check out this guide for how to talk to your incarcerated loved one when visiting. 

Other Communication Options That Won’t Break the Bank

Just a Collect Call Away

A relatively low-cost way to communicate with your incarcerated loved one is through phone calls. Incarcerated individuals usually receive up to 300 minutes of telephone calls per month, and the calls can be up to 15 minutes long each. Although calls are collect and there will be a fee, speaking on the phone will help you connect with your loved one and brighten their spirits. 

Old-School Letters

In today’s technology-driven world, handwritten letters between friends, families, and lovers are a lost form of communication. A personal note sent to someone in incarceration is a great way to stay connected and talk to them in a way you typically would not. A huge benefit to sending letters is that the incarcerated person can physically hold onto it and go look back at your words when they need to hear them most. Postage is not free and facilities have rules when it comes to letter content, but sending mail is a low cost way to stay connected with your loved one. 

A Picture’s Worth 1000 Words

A step above sending letters and speaking on the phone, while still not breaking the bank, is sending photos through the mail. A photo is a tangible item your incarcerated loved one can keep in their belongings and look at whenever they miss you and want to see your face or reminisce on memories. Pelipost is a very convenient, quick way to send photos to your incarcerated loved one at an affordable cost. To get started with sending photos, you can download the Pelipost app through the Apple App Store or Google Play Store.