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FEAR: The Psychological Impact of Incarceration

It’s hard to understand what life is like for an inmate. That’s why we want to share the stories of our PeliPAL members and bring awareness to the psychological impact of incarceration. Today, we bring you the story of Tyrone Toliver, one of our PeliPALS in California.

If you’d like your incarcerated loved one’s story featured, have them mail it to Pelipost.

May 5, 2021

Fear is defined as an unpleasant, often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger. Fear is associated with anxious concern; reason for alarm; frightened; to be afraid of; alarm; apprehension; sudden danger…

I once wrote about how I caused a lot of fear in others because I was suffering for many years in prison. There were times I felt that existing wasn’t enough of a reason to continue living. 

So much has changed for me in the past eight-and-a-half years. For one, I asked for help and got therapy. I learned that self-help studies could improve my cognitive thinking and that rehabilitation could provide me with the appropriate coping skills. I learned that I needed to correct learned behavior. Recovery allowed me an opportunity to gain insight into why I did things and why I was the kind of guy who was unlovable. 

Eight and a half years ago, I was in a terrible place when I met my wife Kristy. I finally met someone who was willing to get to know “Tyrone,” not “Lil No-Name Dogg.” But if I did not actually know Tyrone myself, how could she get to know him? That’s when I started feeling something I now know is fear. I felt fear of not being able to change who I am in prison. When I’ve felt this strange emotion, fear, that old, close friend of mine, ANGER, often whispered in my ear, like Chucky: “I’m your friend to the end!”

But how could I go backward when my wife Kristy was a part of my future? So, as time passed, I achieved goals, accomplished things, and eased pain that had kept me down. 

But fear has lingered in the background because of the dangers that lurk every single day in prison. So many inmates’ family and friends will tell them not to get into anyone else’s business, to just keep your opinions to yourself, and then you will be OK in here. That’s not true!

During my terrorizing days and years, I was taking out my hurt, pain, feelings, and issues on people who felt we could actually talk out issues, or on people I had no issues with whatsoever. 

On the first of this month, a Saturday, I experienced the ultimate fear, but it wasn’t fear of failure. For the first time in my 44 years on this earth, I was afraid to die, and I saw death looking directly at me. 

At 6:55 A.M. on May 1, as I was leaving medical after taking my seizure medication, I was attacked by a guy with a crazed look in his eyes and a knife in his hand. His intent was to hurt me, maybe to kill me. 

The thing is that when a voice in your head tells you to do something, you do it. That voice has been your protector since age 5, so you obey. On Friday, my wife drove 350 miles to come visit me at 12:00. As the guy ran after me with a knife, I was afraid of her receiving a phone call in her hotel room to tell her I was dead. So, I ran. 

Was this karma? Some may say I brought this on myself. Some may say, this is your past catching up to you. 

Well, he was catching up to me, but he was also a guy who I had actually given food to eat when he was hungry. His best friend is one of my friend’s sons. 

So, why did this happen? I can only assume he had a mental health issue and that he snapped, like I had done in the past. He was already going to be transferred back to a maximum-security facility. You see, I am at a facility that’s designated for life skills improvement, vocational training, computer literacy, rehabilitation, recovery, and job training. This prison is for those who are serious about changing their lives. That also can be scary, causing some to fear failure. If you are deemed a program failure here and sent back to a maximum-security prison with guys who don’t want to change who they are, your life has just become a living hell for at least 2 years. One fatal infraction there and it goes from 2 years to 8 years. 

FEAR pushes people over the edge. Fear causes people to act irrational, and fear destroys relationships.

In prison, so much can go wrong in the blink of an eye, and it all did that morning. The tower officer who watched inmates come out of each building was actually in the bathroom when this happened. COVID-19 protocols have each building being cell fed, which causes all corrections officers to be busy with that, and not watching inmate movement and medical. So, safety was medium, but what did I have to worry about? 

Currently, I live in fear for different reasons: I want to go home and the window of opportunity is here, but one fatal infraction would make it impossible for me to go home. I’ve seen so many people leave prison feet first (in a pine box) due to the havoc behind these walls, not even related to what put them in prison to begin with. My wife, Kristy, keeps me focused on my personal goals and holds me accountable for my actions. We both fear the danger that lingers all around for a rehabilitated person like me who has so much to lose here every day.

I am not writing this for sympathy or for a “thatta boy,” whether that’s either for running to save my life or for passing on what some see as an opportunity to defend myself and protect my reputation as a tough guy for my ego or pride. I am writing this for therapeutic purposes, for myself. My nerves are still shaken up. I’m looked at as a coward more now than before because I did not fight back in defense, and I’m more afraid today than I’ve ever been. 

After more than 28 years of incarceration throughout my life, I’m 44 now, and I have a chance to leave a system I was actually born into. I write this for all the family and friends of us individuals who are incarcerated but rehabilitated as a way to let you all know that there are times we live in fear. At times we stand shoulder to shoulder in a chow line, medication line, laundry exchange line, package line, canteen line, job or vocational training, or college class with a guy who has nothing to lose and we are terrified over losing the chance to leave here. 

Stay safe and strong.

Tyrone Toliver

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The psychological impact of incarceration can take a toll on an individual’s mental health. Keeping in contact with your incarcerated loved one can help them stay positive and feel included in your life. Sending photos through Pelipost is a simple and effective way to keep in touch with your loved one, and provide them with physical photos that they will cherish. 

To download the Pelipost app go to the Apple App Store or Google Play Store.

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Q&A With Joe Calderon on the Pelipost Scholarship

Overcoming Adversity Scholarship

Pelipost is a family-run business that was founded for the purpose of helping families affected by incarceration. As Pelipost’s business has grown, so has the team’s passion for making a positive impact on people with incarcerated loved ones. To give back to this community, the team decided to create the Pelipost Overcoming Adversity Scholarship, which will be debuting in January 2022. We sat down with Joe Calderon, son of a formerly incarcerated mother and co-founder of Pelipost, for a Q&A on the Pelipost scholarship.   

Joe Calderon, CEO of Pelipost

What is the Pelipost Overcoming Adversity Scholarship?

The Pelipost Overcoming Adversity Scholarship was created to empower and reward 5 students seeking a college education while experiencing the hardships of having a parent or guardian behind bars. The National Institute of Corrections estimates roughly 2.7 million children have an incarcerated parent or guardian, revealing that there are more children impacted by incarceration than adults currently in the prison system.

“To apply for our scholarship, the student must be pursuing an undergraduate degree, have a parent who is incarcerated, and submit an essay,” Joe says. “The winners will be picked based on which essays are compelling, connected to the cause, and where our company can make the greatest impact for the greatest need.”

Joe Calderon’s Story

The Calderon family created the Pelipost Overcoming Adversity Scholarship because they understand what it is like to go through college with an incarcerated parent, and want to give back to students in similar situations. Joe Calderon was in his freshman year of college when his mother, Becky, was sentenced to three years in prison. 

“It’s a personal experience for me. I know the struggles firsthand of being a first time student, having a job, and going through having a parent on the inside,” Joe says. “I know other kids out there are going through the same experiences, so it just felt right to do our part and help them overcome these challenges.”

When Joe was in college around ten years ago, he worked both a part time job and internship — all while taking classes — to make ends meet. He pointed out that college expenses have exponentially increased since then as well, making it even more difficult for these students to pay tuition. 

If Joe had a scholarship like this during his educational career, it “would’ve relieved financial headaches,” he says. “I would have worried less about money and focused more on my education.” 

Furthering Education While Facing Adversity

When a parent is incarcerated, it can force a young person to grow up fast. Adding this aspect to a student’s life can add a lot more stress, responsibility, and challenges to overcome. 

“On top of your schoolwork and job, you have to stay connected with your incarcerated loved one, write to them, send photos, add money to their books, send quarterly packages, and try and visit,” Joe says. “When my mom was incarcerated, her facility was 8 hours away. Making the time to visit took up almost a whole weekend.” 

All of these added responsibilities and hurdles to jump over can have an impact on these children furthering their education. However, on the other hand, the strength they gain from facing adversity can help them to adjust to the realities of the real world. Joe Calderon believes that these experiences give you a sense of responsibility and can mature you in a way others may not relate to — whether you want them to or not. 

“These experiences show you the challenges that you are able to overcome,” Joe says. “That’s what life is. It throws you curveballs that you’re not ready for, but builds your character when you overcome them.”

Words of Encouragement

Although faced with challenges, Joe Calderon went on to graduate with his college degree and managed to start his own business. He encourages students overcoming adversity to keep going. 

“You always have to remember that when you’re in a crisis it’s only a temporary state,” he says. “You have to keep looking towards the future and working hard.”

He goes on to say that even if it feels like, “why is this happening to me?”, you should keep persevering because there is a bigger plan to your life. 

“If my mom had never gone on the inside, we would have never started this business that impacts thousands of people everyday,” Joe says. “You have to keep pushing because the hard times are only temporary.”

To apply for the Pelipost Overcoming Adversity Scholarship, visit https://bold.org/scholarships/pelipost-overcoming-adversity-scholarship/. For more information on Pelipost and to get started sending photos, visit https://www.pelipost.com. 

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How to Send Mail to Someone in Jail or Prison: Mailing Address Requirements

Inmate Mailing Address Requirements

Communication is important in any relationship, but becomes increasingly crucial when that relationship becomes long distance. While a loved one is experiencing incarceration, it is vital to keep in contact with them to keep your relationship alive. Not only will this improve your relationship, but this two-way communication has many benefits for your incarcerated loved one. Sending mail to your beloved inmate is a simple, easy, and effective way to communicate with them during the period of incarceration. Keep reading for our tips on how to send mail to an inmate and the mailing address information required. 

Why Mail?

These days, the rise of smartphones, emails, texting, and social media has nearly eliminated the practice of sending and receiving physical mail. Although there are many ways to keep in touch with your incarcerated loved one, sending physical letters and photos provides tangible items your inmate can hold on to. They can keep this mail with them in their belongings, and when they are feeling lonely or having a tough day, your loved one can reread your words and know that they are loved. Physical mail is also nice for an inmate to share with their cell mates about their family and who they are back home. 

Mailing Address Information Required

Sending a letter to a loved one in a correctional facility is different from sending other mail through the postal service. There are different steps to sending a letter to an incarcerated loved one, one of the most important being the mailing address information. These days, many correctional facilities are requiring more details when it comes to inmate mailing information. A standard rule of thumb is to include the following details:

  • DIV number 
  • Yard number
  • Cell number 
  • Bunk number

This information is important to include to ensure that your mail makes it to your loved one. The more specific you can get with your inmate’s information, the better the chance they will receive it. 

Double Check for Details

Sometimes, the mail process in a prison can be disorganized. A good practice is to check information on the facility’s website; however, facility website information can sometimes be outdated. Another way to double check the details is to call the facility your loved one is at. The best way to have the most accurate mailing information is to ask your incarcerated loved one when visiting face-to-face or talking to them on the phone. Verifying mailing information with your loved one will eliminate returned mail and ultimately prevent delays in delivery. The details become so important when sending mail to your incarcerated loved one.

What to Do if They Move

Sometimes, your incarcerated loved one will move facilities. For example, they may move from a jail to a prison, or be transferred to a different location. Most of the time if your incarcerated loved one is moved to a new facility, their ‘inmate ID #’ will change. It is important to be aware of that and update your mailing address information before sending any letters or photos. Some facilities will forward the mail, but this is a rare occurrence. Most often the mail will be returned to the sender if the correct identification information is not updated. 

We Can Help!

One way to be sure that your mail makes it to your incarcerated loved one is by using Pelipost. When you choose to send your loved one pictures through our app, we’ll take care of the rest, making sure that the mail is delivered in a timely and secure manner. If you ever have any questions or concerns, please do not hesitate to contact our customer service team via email at support@pelipost.com.

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The Story Behind Love Your Inmate Day

Love Your Inmate Day

Love Your Inmate Day is fast approaching! Each year on August 8th, we dedicate a day to our incarcerated loved ones to show them that they are still loved and supported, even while behind bars. But what exactly is Love Your Inmate Day, and why was it started? Keep reading for the story behind the day and how you can take part this year. 

The Backstory

Back in 2017, the Pelipost team was noticing unique holidays popping up left and right. Between seeing “National Friendship Day,” “National Boyfriend Day,” and even “National Dog Day,” an idea came to them. Why not create a holiday for the community of people affected by incarceration? 

“We wanted to dedicate a day to come together and spread positivity and love among this community,” said Natalie Calderon, Chief Marketing Officer of Pelipost. “Some incarcerated loved ones have longer sentences than others. We wanted to show them that they are not alone no matter the circumstance.”

The Pelipost team came up with “Love Your Inmate Day,” to be recognized each year on August 8th. 2021 will mark the fourth annual celebration of this day. 

The Meaning of Love Your Inmate Day

The intentions of Love Your Inmate Day (LYID) are not only to show your incarcerated loved one that you care, but also to get in touch with other friends and families affected by incarceration. The significance of this day is to show that no one is alone in this journey, whether behind bars or on the outside. 

“This is important because there’s a stigma surrounding this community and people don’t talk about it,” says Calderon. “To break through that wall and recognize that everyone makes mistakes and that it’s okay. It means a lot to say, ‘We can relate and we’re here for you.’”

How You Can Celebrate

How can you take part in Love Your Inmate Day? The Love Your Inmate Day website lists multiple ways to get involved with the celebration in 2021. These include:

Love Never Gives Up Frame 

You can purchase an exclusive frame to recognize that a picture is worth 1,000 words. You can shop now here. 

8 Days of Dedications 

Create a dedication to your incarcerated loved one on the LYID Facebook page. All you have to do is send us a photo and a message about your loved one. We will be sharing the dedications on our Facebook wall all day from August 1st-8th, 2021. 

Love Never Gives Up Bracelets

Also available in the LYID store are the ”LOVE NEVER GIVES UP” silicone bracelets. These bracelets were made exclusively for Love Your Inmate Day. Get yours today!

Dedication Wall

Get your picture on the Dedication Wall! Get your “LOVE NEVER GIVES UP” bracelet, snap a photo, and share it with us to be added to the 2021 wall. 

Love Your Inmate Day Giveaway

Take part in the Love Your Inmate Day Giveaway! Show us your most creative ways to celebrate LYID and show your incarcerated loved one that you care. Eight winners will receive a prize package including a $50 Visa gift card, (1) Pelipost t-shirt, (1) Love Your Inmate Day Bundle, and 2,000 PeliPOINTS to redeem in the Pelipost app. 

Don’t forget to send your incarcerated loved ones photos in honor of Love Your Inmate Day! You can download the Pelipost app through the Apple App Store or Google Play Store.

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Willie Brown: PeliPALS Story

When it comes to the Pelipost app, I always seem to ask myself — where have you been all this time I’ve been incarcerated? I’ve had to go through several other companies only to be let down, my money being wasted or even gone missing. It kind of seems like the failings of a past relationship. The only thing you can say is that they both had one thing in common — it was them and not me who was the real problem throughout the whole ordeal.

I’ve been single since July 2016, from the time I left the county jail only to be admitted to the Illinois Department of Corrections. I’m just Willie Brown, Inmate Number Y14625 behind these prison walls. But to all my family, friends, and fans, I’m still loved. I want them to remember me for being the hip-hop artist/rapper Mr. Brown Swagger as they watch my live performances and music videos. My legacy still lives on my YouTube page.

No, I haven’t given up hope. Just know I’m still fighting for my freedom to give this 65 year sentence that was thrust upon me. I’ve just stumbled across some newly discovered evidence — but that’s a whole other story for another time.

My daily routine is working out, eating right, getting a good night’s sleep, and when it’s time for mail call, to see if I’ve received photos. I’ve gotten some of the entire family as they continue to showcase living life, and to see all of the little ones growing. It brings me so much joy, and is what I truly look forward to from my family. If they continue to share these with me, it will always keep my spirits up high.

The moral of the story as to why I opened a Pelipost prepaid account was to bridge the gap between my family and me. I wanted photos of my family and friends, but the issue was always that they had no time or sometimes money to get the photos printed or pay for the postage. With the Pelipost app, there would never be a hassle or excuse as to why I didn’t receive my photos. When I’m paying for the service, all they have to do is send the photos to my Pelipost account by downloading and using the app — Pelipost takes care of the rest of the details.

Thank you, Pelipost, for sharing my story.

Sincerely and forever,

Willie Brown

To download the Pelipost app go to the Apple App Store or Google Play Store.

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Sergio Garcia: PeliPALS story

It’s hard to understand what life is like for the incarcerated. That’s why we want to bring the stories of our PeliPALS to light and share their experiences with incarceration. Today, we bring you the story of Sergio Garcia, one of our PeliPALS in Illinois.

If you’d like your incarcerated loved one’s story featured, have them mail it to Pelipost.

My name is Sergio Garcia. I’m from Chicago, Illinois. Growing up, all I chose was the bad path. Because that’s all I saw. So my mind was already made up at a young age. I ended up getting myself in a spot I didn’t want to be in. But now I’m fighting to get myself back to the outside. I’m a changed man.

I came in at the age of 19. Now I’m 25 (soon to be 26 on May 17). I grew up in here. My charge is attempted murder, and I was sentenced to 40 years at 85%. What gets me through the day is music and my family. I most look forward to my family never giving up on me and staying by my side.

Every time I get pictures, or hear from family and friends, that lifts my spirit up. I will never give up fighting to get my life back.

It’s sad that there will be some kids who chose this life, but don’t know what they’re getting themselves into. I wish I could help them and let them know this isn’t the life to live. I hope they pick a better path. I want to tell Pelipost thank you for letting me share a tiny bit of my story.

To download the Pelipost app go to the Apple App Store or Google Play Store.

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Why Specializing in Correctional Facility Photo Delivery Makes Pelipost Different

Staying in contact with an  incarcerated loved one can have a significant positive impact on your relationship and mental health. When you keep in contact with an incarcerated individual, it can make a world of difference in their motivation and outlook on life. Phone calls, in-person visits, and sending letters are all great ways to keep that connection alive. In addition, one of the most impactful ways you can stay connected to your incarcerated loved one is by sending them physical photos to keep and look at when they are missing home. It used to be as simple as finding the right photo requirements and sending them through the mail; however, many facilities have recently updated their rules and regulations. Contraband and other problems have become an issue with jail mail, and some facilities are limiting the capabilities of sending loved ones photos. Many prisons are only allowing third-party vendors to send in photos to reduce the amount of problematic mail received. 

What is a Third-Party Provider?

A third-party provider is typically defined as an external person or company who provides a service or technology as part of a contract. In the context of sending mail to incarcerated individuals, these third-party vendors are companies, like Pelipost, that take in photo submissions from individuals, print them out, and send them to the facility on the customer’s behalf. This eliminates steps for the customer, as they do not have to physically print the photo or stop at the post office. In addition, the third-party provider typically makes sure the photos are printed at the correct accepted size and only include approved content. 

Why Does it Matter?

The most important step in the prison mail process is when the mail is physically given to the incarcerated individual. To ensure that the photos make it to that step, there are many rules and regulations you must follow, although it varies from facility to facility. This is where the importance of a third-party service provider comes in to deliver your photos to your incarcerated loved one. With many correctional facilities limiting mail from individuals, the third-party providers may be the only way to guarantee that your photos will make it through the entire process. 

How Pelipost Can Help

Pelipost is an app that was designed specifically for the purpose of being a third-party provider for loved ones to send photos to incarcerated individuals. With the three step process of uploading your photos, sending them in, and the photos arriving at the facility, Pelipost simplifies the way you can send in your photos to your incarcerated loved one. Pelipost stands out among other third-party vendors because unlike other companies, we specialize in correctional facility delivery. Our customer service team is experienced in working with these correctional facilities and their rules and regulations. Our team is always available to help with questions about specific facilities and will even reach out to the facility’s mailroom if there are any issues with the order. 

Ready to send pictures? You can download the Pelipost app through the Apple App Store or Google Play Store.

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The Pelipost Story

Becky & Joe at Pelipost HQ

Pelipost is a family run business that was born out of love and personal experiences of Mother/son, Becky and Joe Calderon, who experienced first-hand what it’s like to have and be an incarcerated loved one.

Joe was in college, Becky’s legal troubles caught up with her, and she received a three year prison term. Becky was sentenced to California’s Central Women’s Facility in Chowchilla, an eight-hour drive away from Joe. Communication was extremely limited, and finding ways to stay in touch was challenging. 

While incarcerated, Becky missed major events, like her son’s graduation, when he got his first job out of school, and when he bought his first car. Becky would ask Joe for photos of his life, but sending photos to prison manually is a complicated, time-consuming process, and he struggled to find the time to send pictures.

“To receive pictures from home was a celebration in the cell,” Becky says. “It didn’t matter who received them, they were always shared with those around you. It’s like saying ‘SEE! This is my real life outside of these walls.’”

  • Joe visiting Becky while incarcerated.

“One day, I remember thinking to myself ‘I have thousands of pictures on my phone. I wish there was a service that could print and send my photos for me,’” Joe says. “The idea stuck with me and upon my mom’s release, we got down to business and launched a mobile app called Pelipost.”

From this personal experience, Pelipost came to be. Becky and Joe understand what it’s like to be separated from a loved one by incarceration. Their mission is to bring hope to families and their incarcerated loved ones through cherished representations of the love and life on the outside. Today, Pelipost has shipped over 10 million photos and proudly serves over 500,000 customers around the world.

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Dionna and Her Story From the Inside

Pelipost is launching a new series devoted to the stories of those incarcerated. Our next story is by Dionna Beacham who shares her struggles and her triumphs while behind bars.

Written By: Dionna Beacham

Hey Pelipost Viewers,

I would like to share my story with you. I’ve never written for a blog before, so bear with me.

I am a 45-year-old African American woman who has been incarcerated since the age of 19 for a crime I committed in 1994. My 14-year-old co-defendant did a few months in a juvenile center and went home. She put the crime and blame on me because I was older. She got off without any repercussions. I’ve been sitting behind bars for 27 years for a crime that was committed by two people but was solely placed on one individual. 

At the end of the day, I was found guilty by a jury in 1996 and sentenced to an extended term of 90 years imprisonment. The state wants me to serve 45 years of that 90-year sentence. I was a first-time offender who had no criminal background but was sentenced as a habitual criminal.

Did I deserve to be punished for my crime? Absolutely! One hundred percent! Should it have been so harsh? I don’t believe so. I deserved to do time behind bars, but to sentence me as if I am the worst of the worst and incapable of change isn’t fair.

Still to this day, I continue to fight for my freedom, reaching out to various organizations, projects and legal firms for professional assistance. The road has been bumpy, but I refuse to give up. I continue to fight because I am no threat or danger to society, nor am I that same selfish, non-compliant, immature teenager who did a lot of childish and foolish things in her past. I’m mature. I’m wiser, and my “thought process” is far from what is used to be when I was a kid. 

My past does not define the person I am today. During my years of incarceration, I’ve kept busy doing positive things trying to prepare myself for society. I’ve graduated from several college classes and in March 2020, I earned my Associates Degree in Liberal Studies. That is something I am very proud of.

The criminal justice system talks a good game of rehabilitating, restoring and returning offenders back into society, but truth be told, the non-violent crimes and/or repeat offenders are the ones who keep getting chance after chance. Offenders who have nowhere to go upon release and did nothing to better themselves while incarcerated. Yet, offenders like myself who have a strong support system on the outside, have a place to go upon release and bettered themselves through education are the ones who rarely get a second chance to prove that we can live in society as law-abiding citizens.

I also know that no good deed I’ve done while incarcerated can erase the fact that the crime I committed in 1994 changed and disrupted the normality of so many lives. Although I am sincerely remorseful and very apologetic to the victim’s family and my family as well, the consequences of my past actions still remain. I cannot change the past. All I can do is continue to work at being better than I was the day before. I’ve evolved into a mature, hardworking, responsible, and educated woman. My freedom means a lot to me and I will not stop fighting until I get it.

What helps me get through the day? My faith in God. I was brought up in a Baptist church, so I look to my daily bread readings to help build my strength, because at times I do get discouraged. Writing my own fiction novels helps me get through the day as well. Writing takes me away from prison for a while. Last but not least, knowing that I have family and friends on the outside who love me and support my fight for my freedom really means a lot and gets me through another day.

What do I look forward to from family and friends? Mental support, letters, emails, visits, and phone calls mean a lot to me. It gives me that connection with them. Staying mentally fit goes a long way behind these walls.

What can my friends and family do to keep my spirits up? Honestly, just continue to encourage and support me mentally and spiritually, and most of all continue to help me fight for my freedom.

To be incarcerated for over two decades and never see a parole board is truly sad. The parole board seriously needs to come back to Illinois. Offenders are just sitting here getting old. Hopefully change is going to come.

Respectfully, 

Dionna B. 

To download the Pelipost app go to the Apple App Store or Google Play Store.

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The Best Ways to Resolve Conflict With Your Incarcerated Loved Ones

Change is hard. Relationships are hard. When you put the two together, conflict often arises. With incarceration being such a big change in a person’s life, the stress can put a strain on relationships with friends and family. Research has shown that staying in contact with an incarcerated loved one has many benefits affecting behavior and mental health. It is important to try and keep your bond strong. Follow these tips to resolve conflict with your incarcerated loved one, and to relieve stress during your time spent apart. 

Best Ways to Resolve Conflict With Your Incarcerated Loved Ones

Communication and Understanding 

Compassion: Put yourself in each other’s shoes.

A common exercise in resolving conflicts of any kind is to put yourself in the other’s shoes. Although incarceration is a different type of situation than most, it is important to recognize that both parties are going through a lot of stress in different ways. The person behind bars is having to adjust to a whole new environment with many freedoms taken away. The person on the outside has to deal with the absence of their loved one and how that affects them financially, mentally and emotionally. Understanding how the other person feels can help you on the road to conflict resolution. 

Consideration: Is the topic worth arguing over?

Incarceration causes a major shift in the course of your lives, and can put things in perspective. Some issues you used to argue over may not matter anymore, and you can prioritize what to talk about in your limited communication time. On the other hand, some issues may be out of your incarcerated loved one’s control. It is best to take a step back, take a deep breath, and consider whether or not the problem can be resolved right now. 

Compromise: Try to resolve the problem, not win.

As you are both going through a difficult period, there is no point in trying to “win” an argument. Instead, aim to resolve the issue at hand. Brainstorming positive solutions and communicating them calmly with one another can help you to reach a compromise that both parties are happy with. 

Utilize Resources Available

Books

There are many books and other publications available that are specifically written for the friends and family of incarcerated individuals. Reading tips from experts and stories from others in similar situations can help you figure out the best way to handle your situation. A list of relevant books can be found here. 

Mental Healthcare

Although the incarcerated person’s mental health is a high priority, it is very important to make sure that you are taking care of your own mental health, too. If you have the resources available to you, talking to a counselor or therapist can help you work through any issues that arise. Other mental health tips include practicing meditation, exercising, journaling, and getting outdoors. 

Organizations for Families of Incarcerated Individuals

Many organizations, like the AFOI (Assisting Families of Inmates), were created to help the families of incarcerated individuals get through this difficult time. Using their services can help ease the stress of incarceration and work through the conflicts you might be having with your loved one. 

Continue to Stay In Contact

Even if you feel negative feelings of anger or resentment towards your incarcerated loved one, staying in contact with them can be beneficial to you both. It is best to contact them when you are not feeling upset, as arguments can easily arise when emotions are heightened. Phone calls and in-person visits can be a good time to try and resolve issues, as the conversations occur in real time. However, sending letters or photos through Pelipost is a great way to show your incarcerated loved one that you care, even when tensions are high. 

Ready to send pictures? You can download the Pelipost app through the Apple App Store or Google Play Store.